Life, as it is...

Gimme a P-U-M-P-K-I-N!!

2011-09-14T22:22:00.011-05:00

And here's round two!

I'm calling this the most random topic of all time. My new goal is to come up with something even more random for my next turn.

PUMPKINS!

That's all. The entire topic.

Ok so here are my thoughts and feelings on pumpkins. And a bunch of random pictures of pumpkins. If blogs were scratch and sniff I would make it smell like pumpkins. Please don't lick your computer screen, it won't taste like pumpkins, I don't have technology to make that happen yet.

I'm not a big fan of pumpkins. I don't really like the taste.

Pumpkin pie; out.

Pumpkin latte; out.

But Rachel Ray has the most AMAZING pumpkin soup recipe that is becoming a tradition at Thanksgiving because my family loves it so much. And I will eat toasted pumpkin seeds till I'm sick.

I think pumpkins make excellent decorations. I am excited to make a Jack-o-lantern with W some day...though I'm not sure if we are going to try it this year.

There is a little part of me that detests pumpkins because a couple years ago some dumb ass kids threw one at my dad's mailbox (while I was living there). I had a week old baby and for a split second thought terrorists were attacking and completely flipped out. My dad's mailbox is still broken and held onto the post with bungee cords.

My kid is super adorable sitting on pumpkins though so I suppose I can't hate them too much. Unless he grows up to be one of those pumpkin throwing mailbox killers. Then I will hate pumpkins forever.

Gossip Girl

2011-09-14T18:27:00.008-05:00

It's a Topical Tuesday Double Take!

The whole blog group gets a fail last week, not a single one of us managed to post anything. My excuse is that we got back from vacation on Monday night and I was just too exhausted to post Tuesday and had too many other FAR more important things to think about the rest of the week. So today you get graced with TWO fantastic posts.

For last weeks topic I was curious to find out what celebrity everyone was really sick of and why.

Shallow question I know. But it was sparked by something in my life so that's what I went with for my turn. The inciting incident (look at me busting out my high school English class terminology) was the NEVER ENDING promo's for Kim Kardashians wedding. It got me thinking about the kinds of ridiculous events we as a nation have deemed important enough to show on television for weeks on end. Which got me thinking about how annoyed I get by celebrities and all the drama we can't get enough of. Which got me thinking about the fact that some of those celebrities take it to a whole new level which eventually makes me wish they would just disappear never to be seen, heard from or talked about again. EVER.

I realized it's not a few specific people that annoy me, but rather types of people. Because everything in Hollywood has already been done at least once. So here is the list; feel free to add in anyone I may have forgotten.

#1 - The Middle-Age-Flip-Out Guy - Think Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, David Hasselhoff and Charlie Sheen. Guys who's careers have hit a little rut, who's personal lives have hit an even bigger rut and who generally just seem to lose their flipping minds overnight. This guy seems to be unable to do anything without making sure there is at least one camera present. They act out, embarrass their families and don't really seem to be able to fully resuscitate their careers afterwards. I'm tired of them. Why can't they just buy an absurd car, hit on a girl half their age and go back to be normal? They were all at least a little entertaining at the beginning of their flip-out, but as we all realized it wasn't a one time event that they seem to have truly lost it, the shenanigans stopped being funny.

#2 - The Child-Star-Turned-Party Girl - I'm talking about girls like Lindsey Lohan, Brittany Spears and Drew Barrymore in her hay-day. These girls have no idea what it's like to be a normal person and as soon as they are old enough to get a fake ID they turn into psychotic party animals. Suddenly you can't get away from tabloid pics of them leaving a club wasted, doing blow in the bathroom or stepping out of a car without panties. Part of me feels really sorry for these girls. I can't even imagine the pressure they are under. But there are other young girls who prove you can grow up to be sort of normal even when you grow up in Hollywood. Eventually all of the pity in the world can't help me not be sick of them and their string of bad decisions.

#3 - The Reality-Star-Who-Can't-Shut-the-F#$*-Up - These are the people who really get on my nerves. They are the ones who are, first of all, famous for being an a-hole. It's bad enough that they continue to get attention and make appearances after their show is over. But when they are popping up in places they clearly have no business being...like for instance on iTunes with a new and crappy single...I really wish they would get hit by a bus and save us all from the horror. Typically they had no career or ambition prior to being on some ridiculous reality show and just milk the fact that there are people who will watch shows like Bachelor Pad. In my opinion the only thing that kind of TV is good for is to give Joel McHale material for The Soup.

So those are the celebs who annoy me! Who annoys you? Did I leave out any important groups?

To find out what Shara, Jenn, Wendy and Nicole think and what their excuses are for not blogging last week click on the links!

Swoon

2011-08-30T11:50:00.006-05:00

Happy Topical Tuesday! Bonus points for the fact I am actually posting on Tuesday. And a happy birthday to myself. :)

Today we are talking about GUILTY PLEASURES! LOVE!!

According to the "always" reliable Wikipedia...
"A guilty pleasure is something one enjoys and considers pleasurable despite feeling guilt for enjoying it. Often, the "guilt" involved is simply fear of others discovering one's lowbrow or otherwise embarrassing tastes, rather than actual moral guilt."

Pretty accurate if you ask me.

There are so many things people keep from each other because we fear the teasing that would come with our friends knowing the truth. What makes it funny to me is that usually at least one friend will laugh, tease and then admit to being just as guilty as you. To me the best guilty pleasures are not those that are harmful or truly bad, but the ones that are silly. And I can say all of mine are that way.

So here's a little list of some of my fav guilty pleasures I am not too embarrassed to tell you all about.

Supernatural - how can one not love watching two hot guys fighting monsters? I always feel so silly though at how invested I get in the show, how disappointed I am when a new episode ends, and I really felt goofy holding my breath to see if they got renewed for a new season this fall. Thankfully they did.

Cookie dough - I don't think there is a single batch of cookies I have baked where I didn't eat a spoonful of raw dough while the first pan was in the oven. That is a lot of raw eggs I have ingested in my lifetime. And now I am passing the tradition on to my kid. Don't tell DCFS.

Dancing around the house to bad pop music pretending I'm a singer - We all do this as kids. I still do it now. Hairbrush microphone optional.

Looking in the mirror a lot when I actually take the time to look good - It is so rare these days that I actually bother to take the time to do my hair and put on makeup that when I do I end up admiring the end result a lot. We all like to feel pretty and since it happens like once a month for me I don't feel too vain for staring at myself once it's done.

So there's my guilty pleasure confession. What are yours? Are you're guilty pleasures more embarrassing than mine?

See what Shara, Jenn, Nicole & Wendy partake in when nobody's looking too!

Happy Birthday?

2011-08-25T22:26:00.015-05:00

Happy Topical....Thursday night once my kid is in bed...!!!

This week we are talking all about birthday's! Which is pretty awesome since my 30th is in 5 days!

It is so crazy to think that I am turning 30. Seriously I don't feel like I'm 30. I don't feel like I am adult enough to have a 2 year old son either. Aging is such a funny thing isn't it? Clearly I am an adult. I look at kids half my age and kind of sneer. I think that they are annoying and loud. I go to bed early, I enjoy sitting in the quiet and reading, I talk about the weather...Yeah I'm pretty sure all those things make me an official grown up.

Birthday's have been on my mind a lot as of late and not just because of my own. Now besides my own birthday to worry about I also have my sons. It's strange. Since some back story will make that statement make a little more sense here it is.

I did not celebrate my own birthday until I was 9 years old. The church I grew up in was VERY legalistic and followed to the letter a lot of Old Testament teachings. So my birthday was acknowledged every year, but not celebrated. I knew when my birthday was, I was reminded every year how old I was turning, but I never got to take cupcakes to school or have a party with my friends.

Now when you are a kid you don't really miss what you never had. Yeah it kind of stinks to not be able to attend other kids party's, but I had a whole group of friends at church who were going through the same thing I was so it wasn't that big of a deal.

Once I did start celebrating my birthday, I didn't really know how to. I didn't know how to be the center of attention. I didn't know how to act. So I kind of continued to not really see it as a big deal. I had a Sweet 16 that I remember was fun, some friends threw me a surprise party when I was in college, occasionally I would go out while I was in the city and milk the fact that saying it was my birthday got me free drinks, but that was about it.

So in 5 days I will turn 30 and I don't really care. I am not planning anything. A good friend of mine is actually flying my son and I to Seattle to spend a week with her and her girlfriend. We leave on my bday, so I suppose that is kind of doing something. And I might end up going out for a fun night with my friends when I get back.

Now that you have the back story, my current issue is probably starting to become a little more clear. Given that I have no idea how to celebrate my own birth, how do I learn to celebrate the birth of my child? My son is everything to me, he's my whole world right now. I am thankful he is here and celebrate that fact every single day. For his 1st birthday we had a small party that was mostly family and a few good friends. And that is pretty much the plan for his 2nd birthday too. I think what I would like W to know about birthday's is that the people who love him will always be thankful for him regardless of the kind of party he has. I don't want him to turn into the kind of kid who expects some kind of craziness every year.

If we end up as a family that appreciates the little things on our birthday's I will be happy. A special homemade breakfast in bed, a card make of construction paper and glitter, attending an event we might not otherwise have the money for...

So I look forward to spending some time with my friends for my birthday and maybe getting a couple of free drinks. And I look forward more than anything to hugging my son at 9:54am on his birthday and telling him about the first time I looked at his sweet face and fell madly in love.

PS - We are totally having a pirate themed party for W this year, I am SO excited.

Want to know how my fellow bloggers feel about birthdays? Does Shara love them? Does Nicole hate them? Does Wendy hide from them? Does Jenn count the seconds until another year is up? Follow the links and find out!

Not Gonna Write You a Love Song Cause You Tell Me

2011-08-18T20:19:00.005-05:00

Once again Topical Tuesday has become Topical Thursday, which just doesn't have the same ring. My apologies, for some reason I just can't get myself to sit down and write at the moment. The reasons are a whole separate topic that I can bore you with later.

So this week we are discussing music AND welcoming a new member! Very exciting stuff.

It's been said that music makes the world go round...well either that or love, I can't remember which; but for the purposes of this particular post we will go with music. And for some people the thing that makes the world go round is one special song.

I am not one of those people.

I am what we will call, for lack of a more eloquent description, a music binge-er. There is no one song that moves me, rocks my world or changes my soul. In fact I stopped purchasing CD's because if I tried to keep up with my binging I would own way too many CD's than my apartment could possibly hold.

You may at this point be asking "But Sara, what exactly is a music binge-er?"

That is a very good question, thank you for asking. Well a music binge-er is someone who will listen to something ad nauseum because it happens to fit the mood of the moment. My musical tastes and loves have a lot to do with what is going on in my life at the time. Let me give you a few examples.

While I was in college I got engaged to the guy I was dating and by the time I was about half way through my senior year we canceled the wedding and broke up. I was going through some pretty radical changes; learning more about myself and what I really wanted from life. It was a rough time to say the least. Parts of me were angry, sad, scared, thrilled, elated, confused and about a million other emotions. It was all happening at the same time. The easiest parts to grab onto were the anger and the fierce independence that was developing. So I grabbed onto an album that fit those feelings. Linkin Park had just released Meteora around the time I was deciding to end my 3 year relationship with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Just the song titles should tell you a lot about where I was mentally and emotionally then; Somewhere I Belong, Easier to Run, Lying from You, Breaking the Habit, Numb...

Now that is the most drastic example I think. There are other times when it's less dramatic than when I just mentioned. For a while my go to jogging album was Panic! at the Disco's A Fever You Can't Sweat Out purely because I liked the tempos and the witty song names. There are times when I will go for days listening to nothing but upbeat dancey pop music. I have spent a lot of time over the last week dancing around the apartment to the Winnie the Pooh soundtrack thanks to my son. I am obsessed with the XM alt-rock station Alt Nation.

God bless Spoitfy! It lets me listen to anything I want any time I want! I'm too cheap to upgrade and get the ad free version, but the free version is amazing. And I can put up with a couple commercials here and there to have access to virtually every song on the planet.

For me there is no one perfect song. Music is about discovering the songs that move you when you need them.

I bet you want to know if my blogging buddies are like me or if they have a song that makes the earth shake every time they listen to it. Follow the links to Shara, Jenn, Wendy and now Nicole's blogs to find out!!

PS I have been listening to Jimmy Eat World - Chase this Light while I wrote this. AMAZING album! I went through a period a few years ago of listening it to death, but it's still great!

Glory Daze

2011-08-11T08:58:00.003-05:00

This week for Topical Tuesday (even though I'm posting on Thursday) we are talking about high school. Specifically if given the chance would you go back and do it all again.

There are so many movies on this topic! So man movies that make high school the best days of your life, where magical things happen. When the nerdy girl can get the most popular guy in school, where the skinny kid can be a football star, and a whole bunch of other such scenarios.

My high school experience was less thrilling. I did have a group of wonderful friends and a few boyfriends, but for the most part high school was kind of a painful time. For me high school was a lot of self discovery, trying to push myself past the things I was scared of and becoming the kind of person I wanted to be. But self discovery sucks. It's hard! And it's usually not much fun.

For me the thought of going back to high school isn't that appealing. For me it was more of a place where kids are compensating for their insecurities by being over blown versions of themselves. I don't think anyone is their best self in high school. I don't think you can be your best self at 15 years old when you are still trying to learn how to think for yourself.

High school looks glamorous in movies and on TV, but it's really not. It's an important part of learning who you are and how to be yourself, but it's nothing I would want to repeat!

Actually I had the opportunity to kind of prove this a couple years ago. While I was pregnant with my son my 10 year high school reunion happened. I am a totally different person 10 years after graduating, as are most of my friends from high school. When I got to the reunion I was excited to see a few old friends who were in from out of town. I got a chance to chit chat with some people I have connected with on Facebook the last few years, I got lots of congrats from people on becoming a mom. All this took about 30 minutes. And after that it was all the sudden back to how things were when we were 17. My friends and I hung out on the patio of the bar and I noticed that people were basically grouped into the same little cliques they were way back when. Nothing had really changed, people were still the same, still felt the same things around this group of people. I didn't make any new or exciting connections. It was a fun night with the people I already knew were my friends.

So if you really want to go back to high school, I say just make sure you hit your next reunion!

Want to hear what my fellow bloggers Shara, Jenn, and Wendy have to say? Take a look at their blogs and see if high school is really a place they want to revisit!

To Network or Not to Network, That is the Question

2011-08-03T16:16:00.004-05:00

For this weeks Topical Tuesday we were asked which method of social networking we prefer.

This question was a stumper to be honest. Do I actually have a preferred method of social networking? Do I even enjoy that strange thing we as a culture have deemed social networking in the first place? And if I enjoy it so I have a preference of how it happens?

The conclusion I came to is that I do in fact enjoy social networking...now. I joined MySpace long long ago under duress. I had a few friends on the site and they happened to be out of state friends who wanted a better way to keep up with me. When Facebook came into existence I had a group of friends in college who pressured me into joining once my school had been added to the network. That's right I joined Facebook when I was in grad school and you still had to have a valid school email address to join. I think we already know I'm old, but that probably puts the last nail in the coffin.

While I was single social networking was just a way to keep tabs on my long distance friends and spy on the guys I was crushing on. And like so many people have experienced having that much information available to you is nothing but trouble. Eventually out of irritation and anger at an ex I deleted my MySpace account and never looked back. Facebook I kept because it wasn't yet as irritating and I only had friends who were actually friends.

It all changed once I became a mom though. All the sudden I had a great network of other mom's (other parents in general) with kids of all ages to talk to! So many people I was mere acquaintances with suddenly became friends. When I was having some crazy pregnancy symptom people were around to tell me it was ok and give me tips on how to deal. People were almost as excited as I was waiting for W to get here.

Now that I have a little tornado of a toddler destroying my house all day there are lots of people to sympathize and suggest playdates or activities. We share tips, tricks, strategies, complaints and tons of pictures.

I've realized that I don't have a preferred method of social networking, I just want to be hooked up to this amazing group of parents. So if we end up traveling from Facebook to Google + then so be it. Now that I have experienced the support that comes from being a parent in the technology generation I don't ever want to give it up!

Check out my fellow bloggers Shara, Wendy & Jenn and their thoughts on social networking!!

Rechargeable

2011-07-26T23:54:00.005-05:00

As a mom recharging and refreshing is vital. I learned pretty quick that in order to keep my sanity I had to make a big effort to not just let days slip by me, but to take time for myself.

I have always tried to take time to recharge my batteries, both physical and emotional. In college my Alexander Technique classes and privet lessons were one of my favorite ways to do it. I also took adult beginner ballet classes because for me often the best way for me to feel refreshed starts with exhaustion. I would splurge from time to time on a massage or a mani/pedi. I would go out with my girlfriends to a movie and dinner.

During grad school I would go for a run through my Chicago neighborhood with my iPod blasting in my ears. I started seeing my Alexander teacher in her home, which was thankfully walking distance from my own apartment. I would go out bar hopping with my theatre buddies.

While I was in graduate school though I also found a few new ways to recharge. My parents split up the summer before my last semester and it took a huge toll on everyone involved; 2 families - 4 parents and 5 children. It was chaos. But it helped me discover a few things. My relationship with my dad is better than ever because of it. I also discovered the wonders of therapy. I had the most amazing therapist in Chicago and I will never stop being amazed at how energizing those sessions were, even the hardest ones. It was my therapist who suggested I take a look at Buddhism.

So now as a mom, my options are pretty limited. I can't always go for a run when I am feeling overwhelmed. I rarely have the money to spend on a massage, let alone the time. I'm not terribly interested in hitting the bars with my single childless friends. Breast cancer stole my Alexander teacher from me almost two years ago now.

I began to learn that what works best for me now is a combination of things. Every single day I find a little bit of time for a nap or to relax alone. If it means putting on a movie and crashing on the couch for 45 min that's what I do. But it makes me a better mom, a more attentive and energetic mom. I also make sure to take the time for something totally away from my son at least once a month. He has grandparents who will happily hang out with him for a weekend! Seriously they save my life sometimes.

I also have put more into studying Buddhism. It's a wonderful way of life and revolves around some principles I want my son to learn about and live by as he gets older. It makes me feel centered and calm. Which is in my opinion vital to feeling like I've been recharged.

Even though things are so vastly different now, I still take rebooting and recharging very seriously. I run when I can; I'm thinking about taking a ballet class in the fall at a studio near my house; I'm enjoying a bloody Mary as I write this. And tomorrow I will wake up refreshed and ready for a day of play.

Check out my fellow bloggers and how they recharge too!
Shara
Jenn
Wendy

New Project & Summer Challenges

2011-07-19T19:07:00.002-05:00

My good friend Shara used to be part of a blog group, she also used to be part of my blog group. And recently she decided to start things back up. I agreed to be part of it because even though I am not working right now I am still having a hard time motivating myself to write. So here goes!

This weeks topic is about what we do to keep cool during the summer. A very appropriate topic since it has been hot as hell this week! It's been terrible! Seriously just thinking about going outside makes me tired. My AC is taking a beating, as is my electric bill. This means I have to come up with other ways to keep cool and keep W entertained.

My first instinct is to go to the pool. My complex has one and it's pretty nice all things considered. The problem is my child hates the pool. He hates water! Who ever heard of a kid that hates water. He will cry. He won't even walk through a sprinkler. Part of me is ok with this since I rarely want to spend much time outside due to my EXTREMELY fair skin, which my son appears to share. At the same time, I feel like he's missing out on something, I remember spending tons of time at the pool when I was a kid and I loved it. Hopefully he will warm up to the water as he gets older.

One thing my kid does love is running around outside. This does not help the heat issue. In fact it freaks me out. He gets so red and sweaty and eventually lethargic that I would prefer to not let him out of the house.

So we have started taking field trips. Short little trips to places we have errands to run or places we enjoy visiting. The pet store is one we have been to countless times. W loves the animals and the space to run a little bit. Plus it's free AC! Target is another favorite since I just like to browse and he likes to run. Occasionally we will hit the library, but he's usually a little too loud for that. Bookstores are another favorite. W will sit and look at books for much longer than I thought a toddler would want to.

It's kind of a bummer having to find indoor ways to keep cool and have fun, but we have lots of years left to enjoy the stuff I remember doing as a kid!

"Quite a Catch"

2011-07-15T23:12:00.002-05:00

If I'm such a catch why is it that I'm still single?

Oh right.

I'm picky, have terrible taste in men and never go anywhere.

Yep, that will do it all right.

Seriously though I will slap the next married person who says to me, "We need to find you a guy!"

Not kidding about the slapping. If you say it to me over the phone, in a text or over the internet, pray I don't see you in person before I forget you're the one who said it to me. Cause I will give you a belated slap if I have to.

Cop Talk

2011-07-08T15:16:00.002-05:00

Last night once W was in bed I tried to relax and sleep but it wasn't happening. So I decided to go for a short run. No this does not make me a terrible mother. I leave my toddler alone in the apartment to do the laundry too. The door was locked and he was sleeping like a rock.

I didn't run too far, it's been a long time since I ran at all and I didn't want to over do it. I just needed to clear out my brain enough to sleep.

The best part of the run came towards the end. I was feeling good, a little sweaty because of the humidity but even that felt good. I was listening to music on my phone since I can't find my iPod to save my life right now. As I'm jogging I see a police car drive by. It made me feel safe considering it was the middle of the night and I was a woman jogging on my own. That is until I suddenly saw lights flashing behind me.

The car pulls up along side me, I take my headphones off, the cop rolls down the window and says hello. He then gets out of the car and tells me they are looking for a runaway matching my description (queue the internal giggles that I could be mistaken for a girl who ran away). I almost laughed out loud when the officer asked me how old I was and gave me a look like I might be lying when I answered that I was 30. Why would I lie about being 30? He even went so far as to call in and ask if they were still looking for the girl and verify the description. After giving him my full name and address he said thanks and drove away. I jogged towards home laughing.

It was flattering that in the dark I looked young enough to be a run away girl, but really? Once he stopped to talk to me I know I couldn't have looked young enough to be considered a "runaway".

Who knew living in the suburbs could be so exciting?

behind and around

2011-06-06T13:21:00.003-05:00

ugh behind on writing again. how does this always happen?? been busy though, went on a few interviews, visited my mother in new england, being a mommy. very excited about going out with my bff and her boyfriend tonight. in fact might be meeting up with an old friend while we are out. got a random message from him on facebook that included an invite to hang out some time. told him about tonight since i was already planning to be in the city. he's a nice guy, i've known him since high school. we had a quick fling one of the times he was visiting chicago after he moved to LA. he got bonus points for asking about W in his message. that is one thing that makes a big impression me, i'm a mom, part of a package now. if a guy isn't interested in my kid, i'm not interested in him.

should be a fun night regardless!

Ex Hex

2011-05-26T21:49:00.001-05:00

Yesterday and today I got the urge to call an ex just because I'm feeling lonely.

To my credit I have not done so.

Let's hope I can continue to remind myself of why I stopped talking to him in the first place. That is one train wreck I don't want to get involved with again.

TV Buddy

2011-05-11T13:38:00.000-05:00

I realized yesterday that when I feel lonely it's not cause I am dying to be in a relationship again.

When I get lonely, I'm lonely for the company of someone who knows me. Someone who knows the every day me, the crazy me, the happy joyful me, all the me's I am at any given moment. Someone who knows all that and wants to be around me anyway.

What I crave is familiarity, comfort, relaxation.

Cause the thought of having to take the time to get to know someone sounds exhausting right now. Spending time with my kid and my mom friends sounds much more appealing.

I suppose I should have been making more of an effort to get to know hot guys during my single years so I would have a few on hand when I need a TV buddy now. When will I ever learn to plan for the future?

Small

2011-05-03T14:46:00.000-05:00

Today is a weird day.

That is all.

Kid > Job

2011-04-26T22:24:00.002-05:00

Losing your job = sucks big time

Getting enough unemployment to cover bills = a little less suckage

Being a stay at home mom for a while = actually pretty freaking awesome

Moving On

2011-04-25T18:32:00.002-05:00

So last week I heard from a friend (J) that another mutual friend (T) was engaged. It was weird. Mostly because the 2nd friend & I described ourselves as "best friends" for about half my life to date.

About 2 years ago is basically when we stopped being friends. He's never met Wyatt and I've never met the girl who finally got him to pop the question.

It's weird to think such a big part of my life is just not anymore.

Especially because of all the people I know because of him, people I've stayed friends with and built relationships with because we were connected by him. Like the friend who told me he was engaged. J and I are very close! We have been friends for years now. She and her girlfriend are even flying Wyatt and I out to visit them this summer.

I guess I'm glad to be moving on, but I'll always be thankful to have had him for a friend I suppose; I have some wonderful people in my life because of that.

Even if he's not one of them.

Inception

2011-04-20T13:43:00.002-05:00

I finally decided to pay-per-view Inception last night. I have been hearing about the movie since it first came out and just never got around to seeing it (such is the life of a single mom, no time to see movies in the theaters).

I was really excited to watch it finally and last night was the perfect situation. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep (ironic), but also couldn't find anything on TV I wanted to watch. Thank the lord for OnDemand.

And it was a great movie. I enjoyed it. I had to work a little to keep the story lines straight, I was feeling anxious at the climax...

But this movie now joins the ranks of a few others in the

MOVIES I FIGURED OUT

category. In this list include movies like The Sixth Sense. Movies that everyone is talking about, movies that have a "HUGE TWIST" (dun dun dun!).

Honestly I was not surprised at all. I didn't have trouble following the story, I had a few theories about where it would end up and was sad that the one I didn't want it to be turned out to be the one it was. But I wasn't shocked. I wasn't stunned and I really didn't need to watch it again to see if I missed something.

This wasn't a moment where I figured it out right before it happened. About half way through the movie I had an idea. And it kind of wrecked the rest of the movie for me. I feel like I would have had more fun with it if I hadn't already figured it out.

Instead I enjoyed the amazing visual effects, was impressed by the acting considering that so much of it was done under special circumstances (green screens, wire work etc)

Boo for being smart enough to figure out the end of the movie in the middle. There are so few movies that can pull one over on me and that I need to watch again and again just to understand and follow. I am DYING for more movies that do! I want to have to pull a brain muscle or two when I bother to take the time to watch a movie that's not rated G.

Days/Months/Year

2011-04-18T13:16:00.002-05:00

It's been months since I have written anything in this blog.

And I think I have figured out why.

I started this blog to give myself an outlet for the parts of my life that have nothing to do with my son. Which admittedly are very few and far between at this point. But I am still a person in my own right and I still have things that I need to channel into something constructive.

So I started a blog and I start a "blog club". Which now that I think about it was not the best thing I could have done. I was depending on other people to give me a reason to be creative. It seems like I feel I can't be creative on my own sometimes and need someone else to tell me to do it.

I'm realizing I don't do with without structure. I need reasons and goals. I need something to guide me. That is part of why I never felt like I could make it as an actor or director, I don't like starting from nothing.

I want to start pushing myself.

A few weeks ago I set a goal for myself that I would write at least one blog a week about my son. And I have stuck to it! A couple of weeks I wrote more than one blog. I want to set that same goal for this blog too. I want to start being more creative and getting my writing skills back up to snuff. I want to stop starting every freaking sentence with "I". Jeeze.

Welcome to blog post #1. By this time next year there should be 52+ more. They might be records of what I am doing from day to day, they might be a picture I take, they might be a short story...I just want them to be there!

A big debt of inspiration goes to Austin Kleon and his How to Steal like an Artist post that I have seen about a bizillion places lately. Cause once I read it, it made me remember what it was like to be an artist. Reminded me how much I love making things and discovering things. Read it for yourself and see what it does to you.

Wish Upon a Star

2011-01-30T23:37:00.002-06:00

Oh what I wouldn't give for a new romance. Being a single mom is hard, it's really hard. And I just want something fun for myself. I want to believe there might still be a day on the horizon when I don't have to do this parenting thing alone. When I can have a partner and maybe even more kids one day.

But right now I just want something fun. That wonderful butterfly feeling in my stomach, the chance to take long walks and stay up all night talking. That time in life when anything is possible and everything is exciting.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

A Crystal Ball

2011-01-17T21:12:00.002-06:00

Tonight's episode of House kind of hit home for me. It revolved around a guy who was the base player in a pseudo successful band. He was always going out on one more tour, it would only be a few weeks away. And his wife and daughter were forever disappointed, missing him. In the middle of his near death experience he talked about being changed, about realizing he was never the guy he should have been, the guy his wife and child deserved to have around. But he wasn't different. He got a call from his band once he was starting to get better. He wanted to go out on one more tour. And his wife said something profound...

"There is nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you."

It makes me feel so lucky. Lucky to have gotten away from a guy just like that. He is a man I loved very much. Who I probably still love at least a little. But he was a guy I knew would always disappoint me. A guy who talked about change, a guy who on more than one occasion told me he was different. I don't claim even a little to not have had my part in the demise of our relationship. I know I did a lot of things that caused us to drift in two different directions. But I also did my very best to change when I said I wanted to. He on the other hand didn't ever try. He would be different, the kind of guy I could be with and love, for a few weeks and then go right back to being who he was.

And who he was was a selfish man. He wasn't/isn't a bad guy. Just a guy who only wants to think about himself.

So I'm happy and thankful to be away from that, to have the room to find someone who will think about me and who won't want to disappoint me. Thankful the glimpse I just got isn't the future I have in front of me.

My Christmas List

2010-12-04T11:17:00.009-06:00

Tis the season! If you were wondering what might make a good gift for me, here's a few excellent places to start. :)

Who doesn't love chocolates? Especially pretty ones. With amazing sounding flavors.
http://fleurir.foodzie.com/

Awesome picture ring from an etsy.com shop.

http://www.etsy.com/people/yellowgoat

Always a fan of exciting and new ways to treat my sweet tooth, Lavender Caramel is totally something I would love to try! Plus homemade is always better.

http://www.etsy.com/people/calabasascandyco

Designed during WW2, the Brits have always been good at getting to the point! I know I could use a reminder to keep it under control when things get crazy.

http://www.keepcalmgallery.com/

You know how when you try to reuse a plastic water bottle your water starts to taste a little funky? Glass won't do that, plus you don't have to worry about scary chemicals breaking down in your water over time.

http://www.lifefactory.com/

A night off from cooking once a month sounds amazing, but instead of eating fast food that night Dinner of the Month Club! Plus it feeds 2 adults, so date night maybe? Though that does involve having a date, so...more for me!

http://www.amazingclubs.com/dinner_prod3.cfm

Sick Sick Sickness

2010-11-04T15:21:00.002-05:00

I feel like I have been sick forever.

And I can't believe how much tissue I have used in the last week. It's pretty disgusting.

Having a sore throat is getting old. I'm tired of waking up in the middle of the night because I can't breathe.

I wish I had the energy to really play with my kid, but after a day at work not feeling well, I just don't have much left in me when I get home.

Hurry up antibiotics! Get on with the germ killing so I can feel better!!

Slightly Less Fail

2010-10-14T17:23:00.002-05:00

I could not be more excited to be quickly approaching some vacation time!

After much hemming and hawing and wondering if I really should, I decided to take some time off. I needed to use my vacation time anyway, we don't get to roll it over, it's use it or lose it with this company. So I'm taking 3 vacation days on either side of a weekend.

Which means I get 5 DAYS OFF!

That's like a real vacation.

I'm extremely excited to have 5 consecutive days with W, but we are going to be so busy the whole time I'm almost not excited. We are getting a half a day visit with a friend from the west coast who's in town for business, getting W's 1 year pictures taken, and spending 2 days visiting with his grandparents from Florida. So really I get 1.5 days to enjoy my little booger on my own.

Pictures I'm excited about because I love to show off just how cute my kid is, plus getting to reconnect in person with an old friend who for the last year I've only talked to on Facebook.

Vising my out of town friend will be exciting cause I haven't seen her in about 2 years and she is a lot of fun. But it involves us spending a night in the city with her and W always seems to sleep terribly when we aren't at home, so it could end up being a long night. Here's to hoping he sleeps like a rock.

I'm looking forward to the visit with his grandparents because I am happy he will get to meet and spend time with them. I'm not that excited about it because it's just a super weird and awkward situation...I've never met these people before but all the sudden they are part of my family and will forever be part of my life because they are my child's fathers parents. Weird all around. I've been stressing out trying to figure out what the heck to do while they are here...and they aren't being any help, they just say they want to do whatever I want to. Lame. I live here, on a normal Tuesday I would be at work, I don't know what people who have never been here want to do.

It's good to have plans. I like being busy with things I enjoy. Plus it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing more than just going to and from work and home.

I am also going to get to see a bunch of friends I haven't seen much at W's birthday party in 2 weeks. It will be nice to catch up, and it makes me happy that they want to come even though it's a toddler birthday party.

On the mom time front I have plans in a few weeks with a girl I used to work with. We want to go out and have some adult fun downtown and she wants to introduce me to a bunch of her boyfriends friends. It will be nice to do something other than be a mom for a night!

So this week I fail a little bit less than I did last week.

Fail Fail Fail

2010-10-06T19:47:00.003-05:00

Today's question for myself is what is my plan for not ending up in a mom rut.

I can feel it happening already. In my last post I even said all I do is go to work and hang out with my kid. And it's true. This past weekend I did deveate a little by going to a birthday party for a friends children and then spending a day at my dad's house, but really even that isn't too much different than normal.

It's hard though, I have a lot of restrictions on what I can and can't do. The biggest being my child. I don't want him to be with a sitter any more than he already is. The kid spends about 45 hours a week with our sitter already! Thankfully she's awesome and he loves being there with the other kids, but seriously, I feel like I'm not the one raising him sometimes. So I feel a lot of guilt having the sitter, or anyone, watch him more hours so I can go out and have some fun. I started yoga classes this week that were a birthday gift and even just that 90 min he has to be with the sitter on my normal day off is killing me.

Another big restriction on my doing anything not part of being a mom is money. Or rather the fact that I don't have any. How am I supposed to go out and meet people when I'm broke and can't afford to pay the sitter extra in the first place let alone spend more money once I'm out. Oh the joys of being the one paying all the bills. My paycheck is gone before it even really gets into my account.

So what now? My options have become doing free stuff with my child in tow. And that pretty much nearly guarantees I'm not going to meet anyone new. I don't even have time or money to participate in the get togethers of the cool mom's group I found online.

I get a fail on this one. I have no answer or solution to the question/problem. It seems like it's a catch 22, I need to get out, but until I have someone helping me pay the bills getting out isn't really an option, but I need to get out to meet someone to have some help with the bills...Any time I think about this I just go around in circles and get no where.

Now my head hurts.

Yikes!

2010-09-29T17:52:00.002-05:00

Wow, my plan for making sure I write every week has totally gone awry! But as usual life gets in the way, things come up, and what I would like to be important sometimes proves to be the things that pushed aside to deal with the day to day. It makes me sad. All these things I would like to do and enjoy just aren't possible because of the things I have to do to get by. I have to go to work at all kinds of crazy hours because I need the money this job provides. Especially because I don't have anyone to depend on but myself. Which is the subject of a whole separate post....

So this is my attempt to get some thoughts on "paper" (the digital kind anyway).

Not that I have anything exciting to say right now. All I do at the moment is work and play with my kid. So life isn't bad, just not exciting. And I kind of like it that way. Yes, there are a lot of things that I wish I could do, but for the moment I am happy.

Since this is MY blog and not my baby blog I won't spend oodles of time talking about how my little boy is about to turn one and how crazy that is and how it freaks me out. You all will just have to read my other blog at a later time once I have a chance to actually write that post.

Goodnight for now, I'm off to finish up my work day and head home to my little guy.

Religion

2010-09-09T17:08:00.002-05:00

All day today I have seen news stories about the pastor in Florida planning to burn copies of the Quran at his church this weekend. To be completely honest it's making me ill.

For years now I have had a very serious problem with religion and people who claim to be religious. I'm tired of being told I'm going to hell by random people in the bank (something that actually happened to me when I first moved to Florida) and watching religious people be the first in line to hate anyone who isn't just like them.

To some extent it started when I was in high school and then really started to happen while I was in college. I'm a theatre person, half the people I know and call friends are gay. And they are some of the best people I know! So I've always hated hearing churches talking about how horrible these people are for who they love. But it extends so far beyond just that issue. It extends to the way single unwed mothers are viewed by some, the way some Christians are so positive there can't possibly be any other way to spirituality and god than their way, the way so many religious people do a lot of talking but very little acting.

Now here is one more example of a person of authority in the Christian community who is telling people it's ok to defile something other feel is sacred just to make a point. Can you even imagine the uproar if a Muslim group was going to burn bibles? There would be no end! Supposedly it's over the "9/11 Mosque", that this pastor is only doing this to protest the placement of a mosque at the site. I think he probably would have found a reason to do it regardless of that.

I could go on and on about how pointless and intolerant it is to protest the placement of a religious center at the site of a tragedy, but I'll leave that for another day.

More than anything I hate the way religious groups are so sure their way is the only way. Lately I have been more apt to describe myself as agnostic than anything else. There is no way for anyone to prove at this point in human evolution if there is a higher power of some kind. I'm not about to decide I'm smart enough to know for sure. If that is what you chose to believe fine, I'm not going to stop you. But please don't force what is right for you on me, because I'm not you.

This is not to say there aren't a lot of people who have the best kind of faith, the good kind, the kind of people who really live what they talk and who are good loving caring people. You just never get the chance to hear about them because of all the craziness of the extremists.

I honestly will never understand why people can't just realize there is more than one path to every destination and for all we know, none of them are wrong.

Drama

2010-09-02T10:33:00.002-05:00

Is there a reason some people seem to want to start fights?

I seriously want to just take off with Wyatt to an island in the middle of nowhere sometimes.

Being a grown up really stinks sometimes. Having to make decisions and think about other people first. It's harder than it looks.

Adventures in Car Ownership!

2010-08-28T13:09:00.002-05:00

I had quite an adventure this week!

On Wednesday, while I was driving to work, my car stopped working. Literally while I was driving down the road it just died, I had to coast to a stop because even the breaks locked up. It was super scary and really stressful to say the least. Thankfully my dead battery not too long ago made me go ahead and get AAA for the year, so I was able to call for a tow. And a very nice (and kind of cute) Hoffman Estates police officer stopped and waited with me. When I got to the garage they basically told me my car was toast. It would have cost about 3x's the worth of the car to fix it to the point that it was drivable. Note I did not say reliable.

My first panic was about how the heck I was going to get home and get Wyatt, thankfully the guys at the garage gave me a ride to the Enterprise Rental up the street and there was one car left! So I rented it to get me through the weekend, crossing my fingers I wouldn't need it even that long.

I visited a couple dealerships that day and they all pretty much refused to talk to me once they looked at my credit. Didn't talk to me about who I knew that could co-sign or what other options they might have for me or anything. Just told me I would need a co-signer for financing and to have a nice day. Very disheartening. To say the least.

Thursday I had to go to work but spent my lunch hour looking at cars online. At least I had an idea of what kind of car I wanted! I have always loved Honda Civics and that was my first choice when I started looking. So my first stop was to my local Honda dealer after picking up my rental. The one useful thing that salesman did for me was to tell me I might have better luck looking at domestic cars. He said that I would be able to find a new car with less miles that would be easier to finance than an import. So despite my love of a Civic, I took a closer look at my rental which happened to be a Chevy Cobalt.

In my vast many (all 12 of them now) years as a licenced driver I have had the chance to drive a good number of different cars. Between driving my own cars, my parents cars, my friends cars, when I started thinking about it, I have driven a lot of different cars. And in the past, I have not been a big fan of Chevy's...just not my cup of tea.

Oh but I was falling in love with my little Cobalt rental. So I started looking specifically for Cobalts. Then it happened, I found a listing for a dealership in Palatine that had a 2008 Cobalt in my price range. I figured I would try one last dealer before looking at privet dealerships where I could by an older car outright for as little as possible.

I was extremely lucky on Thursday night to get in touch with 2 good friends of mine who were more than willing to help me out. One said he was happy to let a dealer check his credit to see if it was good enough for him to be a co-signer on a loan and the other wasn't able to do that, but insisted on sending me some money to help with a down payment so I could get a great car.

Let me take a second right now to just say I have amazing friends. Honestly without these two people I would be seriously stressed out right now. The fact that they were so willing and excited to help me just amazed me. I know I pick great friends, and I know I would do anything for them, but I was still surprised they immediately wanted to help.

Anyway, I decided to just head over to the dealer after work yesterday. I picked up Wyatt, took him home for dinner and a short nap then called the dealer to make sure the car was even still there and to see what they could help me with.

The salesman I worked with was the first person to tell me he would help me find a solution no matter what. Finally! We took the Cobalt out for a test drive, including packing Wy and his car seat in the back. Then we talked more about what I was looking for, how much I can afford monthly, and what my priorities were. He checked my credit on it's own and confirmed that my best bet was to get a co-signer. He sat and chatted with Wyatt while I called my friend and got his info. Despite being a long process, it was a pretty painless process.

And best of all I got to drive home a new car!

I'm repairing my bad credit by having a good loan, I survived my first experience buying a car from a dealer and my second experience buying a car of my own at all. I drove home in a car I know is going to last and will be safe to get my son from place to place.

I feel very accomplished today.

Slug

2010-08-12T13:35:00.001-05:00

My eyes itch today.

And I feel very slow, like I'm moving under water.

Thankfully I get to go home at 6:30 instead of 9:30 tonight.

Sigh.

Starring Sara!

2010-08-07T11:09:00.002-05:00

This week Lori Beth asked us a crazy question! :) She wants to know if we could have our own show on Food Network what would it be?

I hate to say it, but this question stumped me. For a long time. A really long time. I love watching the Food Network. I get a lot of recipes from their website and could spend entire days watching all the shows. But I had never considered what I would want my own show to look like.

What kind of food am I excited about? What would continue to inspire me from week to week creating a show? What would I actually want to watch?

Finally it came to me...

The thing that I never get tired of when I am cooking is comfort food. Those simple things that just make you feel warm and fuzzy when you eat them. My favorite food on the planet is mashed potatoes. But the thing I love most about comfort food is all the ways you can make it different and fun, there are never ending possibilities for how to make the food you love different and exciting every time you eat it. I am always looking for new and fun ways to make the food I love. Seriously I have about 100 ways to make mashed potatoes. But there are a zillion variations on things like mac & cheese, baked chicken, chicken noodle soup, pancakes and a huge list of other foods we all make all the time.

Food doesn't have to be complicated or exotic, it just has to taste good.

Transformative...spell check tells me that's not a word.

2010-07-29T09:40:00.004-05:00

Meghan asked us this week to talk about a pivotal or transformative experience in our lives.

Since I already talked about how much having a baby changed my life, I'll go back a little further and talk about my life after college graduation.

It was during my last year and a half of college that I realized I was not even remotely interested in trying to become a professional actor. By about the halfway point in my program I had started to really hate it. I loved the theatre, I loved working on shows, but I hated acting. It stopped being fun and just made me feel sick. I can remember several instances before classes that I would have a terrible stomach ache or even the dry heaves because I was so full of anxiety about my assignments. I was ready to just throw in the towel, transfer to another school and find something else to do.

But I didn't. Logic prevailed and I didn't want to risk losing any of the credits I had worked so hard for by trying to transfer them to another school. During my senior year of college is also when the camera shop I was working at closed and I needed to find a new job. I decided to see if I could get hired at the box office of my schools theatre and was thrilled when I was offered a job. I loved working in the box office. I loved calling people about auditioning for our summer Shakespeare show, I loved talking to prospective theatre students calling for information, I loved helping coordinate group sales for our children's show. It was a way for me to work in the field I loved but also use my talents, which are really working with people and coordination and organizing events.

Far too late I realized that I might need to go to grad school. I had several friends who had attended the Arts Management program at Columbia College of Chicago and decided to explore it. I also decided to try and work as a fundraiser for our summer Shakespeare on the Green show. I interviewed, got the job and spent the summer loving every second of my job. I spent my days in an office mostly calling local businesses to make donations for a silent auction event on the opening night of the show. I actually ended up getting to do a lot of the planning and execution of the silent auction and notification of winners. It was awesome to be in charge of all that, to be working independently and watch the stack of donated items pile up thanks to my hard work.

At the end of the summer I took the leap and moved into Chicago just like I had been talking about since I was about 10 years old. And I started really seriously looking into going to graduate school. I researched schools and finally decided I wanted to go to Columbia Chicago. I worked hard on my application and was so nervous the day I finally sent it in. A few weeks later I got a letter in the mail with the Columbia logo in the return address corner. I just about had a heart attack. This to me was the beginning of the rest of my life. This was the first big thing I was doing totally own as an adult. I was paying for grad school if I got in, I would have to work while I was in class...it was completely separate from my parents for the first time ever.

My boyfriend at the time was at my apartment and was nice enough to open the letter for me and let me know it was good news before I would finally look at it. I was so excited to know that I had been accepted and would be going to my first Master's classes in September.

Honestly I wonder how different life would be if I didn't decide to do that. Knowing I was going to be in school helped me decide on what job to take when I needed to look for one a few months later, it influenced where I decided to live when I needed to move that summer. And my job and neighborhood shaped so many other experiences after that.

I loved my time in grad school. I'm sad that I'm not able to work in the kind of job I studied so hard for right now, but I know it will happen some day if I want it to. I loved school! I know, that statement makes me super nerdy, but I really don't care. Grad school was a great time in my life and I am so happy I decided to do it.

Cartoons Aren't Just for Kids!

2010-07-21T13:10:00.002-05:00

This week the lovely Shara asked us all what cartoon character we are most like and why. What an awesome question!

After some thought, much less than I thought it would be, I came to the conclusion that the cartoon character I have most related to in my lifetime would have to be Daria. Oh yeah I'm taking us all back to high school.

For those of you who don't remember or don't know who Daria is...
-Daria was a show on MTV from 1997-2002
-It was a far superior spin off from Beavis & Butt-head
-Daria and her bff Jane were the smart sarcastic hero's of my high school years

The show was full of stereo-typical high school students and situations, but all seen through the eyes of Daria, who's too smart for her age, very droll and over all so much like I was in high school. She even has a crush on Jane's older brother Trent, the scruffy wonderful musician she can't bring herself to speak to in any kind of intelligent way.

Daria is awkward and not quite comfortable in her own skin and yet totally ok with that fact. I always thought she seemed to know that things would change as she got older and found her niche in the universe, just like I always did. Daria was who she was and people still liked her for that.

And I loved all the music. It was stuff that was right at the front of trends before songs got overplayed to death. And it was such a great mix of music from all different genres. Too bad most of it didn't make it onto the DVD's because of the insane cost of licensing.

Overall it was just a show I loved, it was funny and smart and made high school a little more bearable!

I Would Like...

2010-07-17T15:01:00.003-05:00

I think I would like to live in a cave for a little bit.

Not talk to anyone.

Not go to work.

Not get a headache from trying to not misunderstand people's texts since you can never get anyone on the phone anymore.

I think if a good cave is not available, a house in the mountains would be nice too. Probably better than a cave since I don't like the thought of having to go to the bathroom outside.

I would like to have some time with my son when I am not thinking about the million other things I should be doing instead of trying to tickle him to death.

I would like one stress free day.

I would like to feel like I have friends I can count on instead of friends who offer to help with the best intentions but never are really able to.

Maybe it's time to start those meds again and give up some of these worries.

Then again, maybe it's just time to give up and know that I will never again really get to think of myself since I'm the only parent my kid has.

Maybe.

Um....What?

2010-07-14T20:03:00.002-05:00

This week Lilly wanted us to all talk about our biggest brain fart moment.

Man I have had some doozies in my time. Especially after I got pregnant, seriously it's like the baby sucks your brain cells right out of your head while they are growing. I was contently forgetting what I was talking about in the middle of sentences.

But the biggest brain fart, and one of the more embarrassing for me, didn't happen till after W was born. To make it worse it was a time when he wasn't even with me, so it wasn't all that obvious I was having a mom moment.

Over New Years weekend I stayed with my best friend Jami for a couple days. One of those days we both had some errands to run and decided it would be better to do them one at a time, meaning she would stay home with our boys while I went out and I would stay with them while she went out. It was really the first time that I had really run any errands without him and after spending 2 months with him basically attached to me it was a little disorienting. Those first couple months with a newborn are very interesting. It takes a couple weeks to get used to having them around and being sleep deprived, but after that doing anything without them is really strange! Plus I'm a single mom so I spent literally every second of every day with him those first 2 months. Yes, he would spend some time with my dad every now and then, but I am the sole caretaker of my son so I do EVERYTHING.

Ok, so now that you have all the back story...let's get to the embarrassment! One of the errands I had to run was to Walgreens to pick up a prescription for myself. If you have children you know that especially the first few weeks after a baby is born you are doing nothing but talking about them, taking them to the doctor, giving people your kids info, not your own. So I'm at Walgreens, I give the girl my name, she grabs my prescription, then asks me to verify my date of birth.

I went totally blank. I in that moment had no idea when I was born. This woman looked at me like I was completely crazy. It honestly took almost a full minute for me to remember my own birth date so I could take my meds home. I have never felt stupider in my life. All that important info, birth date, SS number, address, phone number, all of it, I have memorized and can recall at the drop of a hat. But after regurgitating my sons birth date so many times over the past 2 months, I for the life of me couldn't remember my own. Thank god she didn't ask for my address or anything cause who knows what would have happened!

Thankfully I seem to have gotten most of my smarts back after returning to work. It helps to have to function as a normal adult instead of just as a parent. Plus at work I am able to catch up on my reading which is where most of my smarts have always come from in the first place.

Sigh, I'm sure there will be a lot more of these fun moments as W gets older and I have to remember things like permission slips, parent teacher nights, summer camp registration, signing up for sports, planning birthday parties....

That's When It All Changed

2010-07-07T22:36:00.003-05:00

After a week off, I'm not all that excited about getting back into this, but I know that I need to. Now is the time to push myself, because I do like how much better I feel after purging my thoughts, any thoughts, doesn't matter about what, just that it happens.

The question this week came from me again, this time I wanted to know what book/movie/song changed your life...

I have honestly been wracking my brain trying to figure this out. I kept coming back to the fact that I tend to not have favorites...but that's kind of a cop out to my own question, so I kept thinking. And what I kept coming back to was not a movie or a song or a book (surprisingly). What I kept coming back to was the first play I can remember seeing. I'm fairly certain I probably saw a couple before the one I remember. But since I can't remember how old I was when I saw this particular play who knows.

The first show I can remember seeing was You're a Good Man Charlie Brown. I remember sitting in the Lincolnshire Marriott Theatre totally entranced and instantly in love. I loved that I was seeing people performing close up, that I wasn't watching it on TV, that I was close enough to touch the characters on a couple occasions. There was something about this situation that made me know I wanted to be involved with it the rest of my life. At the time I was taking ballet classes and though I was going to be a dancer forever, but it was the same principle. Something about live performance just got to me.

And I still love it. There is nothing like seeing a show for the 1st time or the 50th time. There is a buzz in the air. I swear every theatre has a different smell, sound, feel. One of my favorite things to this day is standing in the middle of an empty nearly dark theatre and listening to the sounds of performances past. I remember doing this at Barat when I was in college and I would get chills. I honestly don't think performances ever really leave the place where they happen.

So there it is, the thing that totally changed my life and ultimately created a direction for a lot of years in my life and a path that I hope to be able to get back on very soon. One that I really can't wait to share with my son.

Recharge

2010-07-01T10:23:00.003-05:00

Since things have been a little crazy the last couple weeks for everyone it seems we are taking a little break this week from blogging. Which is fine, I don't know if I have the mental capacity to actually focus on a topic outside of what is going on in my life at the moment. It's funny how you can feel like you are doing nothing and too much all at the same time. Too many things to think about that physical activity seems impossible. I wish I could crawl back into this morning at about 7am when Wyatt and I were cuddled in bed, me half asleep not thinking about anything for once and him drinking a bottle half asleep before drifting off again for a little bit. It was a wonderfully perfect moment.

I suppose that taking a creative break might be a good idea then. Hopefully we can all come back recharged and refreshed. I know a lot of us could use a little bit of that.

Can We Cut, I want to Try That One Again

2010-06-24T11:01:00.005-05:00

This week the lovely Gen asked us all, if we could change one thing that we have done/not done in our lives what would it be and why?

I have really been struggling with this question. I don't like to dwell on things, I used to do that (like since I was about 7 years old) and I can remember countless nights when I couldn't sleep and was completely taken over by anxiety about what I could have done better or differently. It was less than productive to say the least. So I had to teach myself to just let things go, to be ok with my decisions and let the past be the past.

This is not to say I have been wildly successful all the time. There are still lots of times I analyze my decisions to death and feel like crap for days or weeks after something happens.

So there are a lot of things I would change. I would have just sucked it up and gone back home after college so I could find a good job and save some money. I would have trusted my instincts sooner about not being ready to get married (maybe that way my dad wouldn't have lost so much of his deposit money).

There are lots of things I would change about the way I dealt with my parents divorce and my relationship with the last person I loved, all of which was going on at the same time. I would have been more firm about what I needed with my parents. I wish I would have realized sooner that I was going to need input from people other than my friends and family. And I wish I could have just let things go in my relationship. I was so stressed and strung out dealing with family issues that I took it out on him, picked fights and expected him to be the solution to all my problems. I wish that I had realized running away to another state was not the answer either.

But at the same time things happen for a reason, I learned a lot from both those situations and am at a good place in my life right now. And had I not run off to Florida for the most retarded of reasons, I wouldn't have Wyatt in my life. He honestly makes all the past stuff worth it. He actually has put me and my ex in a much better place as well. A lot of my crazy went away when Wyatt was born so we have been able to rebuild a friendship. Granted I most of the time still hope it changes into something more than that, but for the moment, we don't fight about stupid stuff, we call and text and IM almost everyday. And I know he loves my kid. They play and have fun when we are all together and that means more to me than anything.

I can't live with regrets, it takes too much energy and time, not to mention robbing me of sleep that is very valuable right now. There are things that I wish I could have done better, but without them I wouldn't have what I have now. And what I have now makes it all worth it.

For Everything There is a Season...

2010-06-16T19:37:00.002-05:00

This weeks topic was from Greg, our only representation of the male race and he asked us about favorite seasons, what is it, why, what memories does it bring up and what are our favorite activites during said season.

Well mine is hands down summer. I hate winter after the first two weeks, I am always cold to begin with so after that first beautiful romantic looking snow and apart from Christmas I spend all winter praying for the return of warmth. Being from the midwest, spring and fall tend to be nothing but random tempratures and rain, neither of which I enjoy. Though my fondness for fall has grown since the birth of my son in late October.

But summer....oh how I love summer.

I love the sunshine and the heat. Not a big fan of mass amounts of humidity (why I ever thought I could live in Florida completely escapes me at this point), but I love being warm and feeling the sun seeping into every pore whenever I go outside.

The nights are the best. I have always been a night person, I stay up too late and hate mornings. So summer is perfect for warm night time walks, for sitting and eating ice cream on the back porch. Perfect for taking a stroll with someone you love, sitting out on the patio of a restaurant and eating a good meal, for lounging with a beer and some friends.

I remember running around in the evening as long as I could claim I saw the tiniest bit of light. Chasing fireflies is one of my all time favorite past times. And I can't wait till I can do it with Wyatt! To be able to take him for a relaxing evening walk and watch him run after lightning bugs will be so wonderful. I even can't wait till he thinks he can put some grass in a jar and make a little home for the bugs he catches.

But one of my favorite memories of summer is something we won't be able to do unless we move to Indiana or do it at Grandpa's house...when I was small my dad used to mail order fireworks and set them off on particularly nice nights. We would gather on the front porch, usually in our jammies to watch the show. There were spinning ones that he set off on the driveway, flying ones that my brother and I would search the yard for the next day, sparklers to run around with, and the occasional rouge flying firework that would send us running and screaming. They were such wonderful and greatly anticipated nights.

Summer was always the most magical season, no school, days full of running free and riding bikes and evenings of glowing bugs and setting things on fire. Doesn't get any better if you ask me!

South Africa 2010

2010-06-12T15:13:00.006-05:00

The World Cup has started!!

England v USA is probably over, but I will return home after work to find it waiting for me on my DVR.

I've actually had to stop looking at facebook today because I know people will ruin it for me. And also because I am rooting for England and fear there may be some backlash for that. But I could never cheer for the US team! All my favorite boys play for England! And comparatively British football is way more interesting to watch than American soccer. It's much faster paced, it's more precise, it's just better!

So here's to hoping Super Frank scored a goal!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOO

2010-06-10T12:46:00.006-05:00

HAWKS WIN HAWKS WIN HAWKS WIN!

That is all.

Give that Back, it's My Favorite!!

2010-06-09T18:39:00.003-05:00

This week Shara asked us what is our favorite inanimate object.

It actually was a hard question to answer! I have never been particularly attached to any of the things I own. I have a terrible time throwing things away, but it's more about the fact that I am totally convinced I might need everything I have ever owned again one day.

And at the moment I am in love with anything that can keep my child amused for more than about 6 seconds. He has reached the point where I am not as amusing as I once was and there are a thousand things he just HAS to look at. But none of them really keep his attention very long. So my days at home with him are filled with trying to find anything that will keep him entertained. I honestly can't wait for the day he is obsessed with one toy and will sit and play with it for hours. I'm sure it will happen at some point because I remember doing it!

If we are talking an object that is attached to me all the time, my answer would be my cell phone. Honestly what did we do before them? Once I forgot my phone running out the door to work and spent the first half of my day paranoid that today would be the day my sitter calls to tell me something is wrong. I also felt extremely naked, like I had shown up at work with no pants on or something. So much so that I actually went home for lunch so I could get the phone.

For a long time I was very attached to a stuffed bunny. And I'm talking while I was in college not when I was a kid. I actually took him around London and Paris while there on vacay taking pictures of him in front of tourist spots. We visited a pub for lunch, he enjoyed the view from the top of the Eiffel Tower, sat on the steps of a cathedral and posed in the middle of a road with Buckingham Palace in the background. The attachment started when I was sick as a dog one day and just needed something to hang on to. Clearly it continued. :) Eventually I gave him up (for reasons I would prefer not to address here) only to feel like something was missing in times of anxiety and instability.

So Chubby the Bunny was replaced by Stevie the Bear. I don't have quite the same attachment to Stevie that I did to the bunny, but he's good when I'm not feeling well and want something soft to cuddle.

Honestly I have always kind of wondered why I don't form attachments to objects like some people do. I remember thinking that I should have a favorite doll or toy when I was small, but it just never happened. I would carry something around for a while and then get bored with it and move on to the next new thing. I'm still that way. I love the novelty of something new. That new clothes smell, a new pair of shoes, the first time you sleep on new sheets, cracking open a new book...I do appreciate the things I have and usually will keep things around until they are falling apart. But when I have to give it up, I don't really mind.

So as long as my kid is playing happily and I have pots and pans to cook in, I will be happy.

Move Over Brain...

2010-06-02T17:04:00.002-05:00

This week our question was from Meghan and she asked us who we would trade places with for a month.

After much thought and pondering I realized I don't think I would want to switch places with someone at all...I would want to squeeze in their head with them and really see what it was like to be them. Just taking over their body or circumstances wouldn't really give me much incite honestly. I want to know what they are thinking, why they make the decisions they make.

For instance, people who cheat on their spouses. What in their head can possibly be telling them that is a good idea, that it's the right thing to do? Or fanatics who feel like blowing themselves up or killing someone else is the best way to get a message across. I don't for the life of me understand what these people are thinking no matter how much they explain, so I would like to hear it straight from the source.

For me trading places with someone kind of defeats the purpose, since I want to see how these people live the best way to really understand that is to see what motivates them, how they make their decisions and how they deal with the results. Just putting myself in those situations is only going to show me how I would react in them, not how another person would.

Tough Love

2010-05-31T23:46:00.003-05:00

I admit it, I loved watching Tough Love on VH1 so when I heard they were doing a couples version I was highly excited. Unfortunately I totally forgot it was going to be on and completely missed the whole season; fortunately I caught it right at the end and was able to DVR the whole season today.

But in the course of watching just the very first episode I realized a few very disturbing things.

They did this exercise where the guys and girls split up into separate rooms and had to decide whether or not to get dressed for a feux wedding. They were told, if you can say right now you would marry your partner put on your dress/tux.

And I realized that were I there with K, I wouldn't even blink, wouldn't miss a heartbeat in making the choice to put on a dress. We aren't even together. He's not my child's father. But I never stopped loving him, I never stopped wanting to spend my life with him and have him be the one my child calls Dad.

What the hell am I supposed to do with that? How do I deal with the fact that we never really let each other go? And if he is so uninterested in being in a relationship or ever getting married again, why does he keep wanting to spend time with me, why hasn't he managed to date anyone else?

Why does Wyatt seem to respond to him in a way that he doesn't with any other guy? Wyatt adores him! We went to the zoo all together on Sunday and he was so wonderful. He took pictures of me and Wy, he pushed the stoller when I needed a break, he kept asking if I needed to put more sunscreen on the two of us (Wy and I are both pasty at this point, it's great to be able to share sunscreen, lol). We went back to his house after we were too tired and hot to hang around the park anymore and the two of them were playing and laughing and just being boys. Wyatt was so happy. And so was I.

There are days like that and I am elated and excited, until the next day. Then I have to face the fact that this man who is so wonderful sometimes doesn't seem to want to be with me.

Maybe I need Steve Ward to give me a little tough love and tell me what the f*$% to do now.

Saturday

2010-05-29T09:00:00.002-05:00

wyatt won't sleep, he just wants to play....

i can't sleep....

i've had a headache for 2 days now and it's beginning to make me sick to my stomach, enough that i am considering leaving work early to go lay in the dark....

yes, i'm at work on a saturday morning....

counting the seconds till my 4 day weekend is here and i can clean up my apartment and get some rest....

Define: Insansity

2010-05-28T11:39:00.002-05:00

Isn't the general definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results but continuing to do it and expecting different results?

But what do you do if the person you are stuck in this loop with refuses to admit that it even is a loop?

How do you convince someone to just lay off and give it a rest and cut your loses instead of continuing to make the situation worse?

Is is possible to make someone listen to you?

I feel like I'm in a never ending cycle of back and forth. For whatever reason I can't seem to use the right words to end it. I just want a rest. I'm tired of trying the same thing over and over and always ending up in the same situation.

So I'm chosing to get out of the situation and I'm chosing to not feel bad about it.

I'd like to thank the Academy...

2010-05-26T11:04:00.000-05:00

For the first official topic for my blog group, I got to choose. :)

So I asked the question, who or what in your life are you most grateful for and why.

Yeah I know pretty standard topic. But I really am curious about what others will have to say; mostly because of my own answer to that question.

I really and truly am most grateful for Wyatt. But not for the reasons some people might think. I am grateful for an unplanned pregnancy and for this unexpected child in my life.

The first and most obvious reason is that I have always wanted to be a mom. Ever since I was about 5 years old I have looked forward to the day when I got to have children of my own. I also always had a secret theory my first would be a boy, so even though I was hoping for a girl I wasn't too surprised to find out it was a boy.

But I have some selfish reasons for being grateful to my son too. One of the biggest is that I finally feel like I have purpose in my life. Before I got pregnant I had felt for a while that my life wasn't going anywhere, that I was just wandering. Suddenly to know that I was going to be a mother and have someone else that I was caring for gave me a huge reason to find a real direction and stick to it. And I have. I have so many plans for the future now and I have plans for how to get to my goals for once. In all honesty I have never before had that, a clear direction and plan.

I'm also grateful because prior to becoming a mother, I was struggling with a lot of mental and emotional problems, which had been growing increasingly worse since college. The few years before having Wyatt were absolutely some of my worst. Not to say there weren't good parts and things I wouldn't change for the world, but the overall feelings were those of despair and being lost. I am thankful to have been dating someone during this period who forced me to finally talk to my doctor about getting on medication and gave me the number to a therapist who I love and would probably still be seeing every now and again if I lived in the city.

The biggest change and improvement though came when I got pregnant. I'm not sure if it was just how focused I was on being the best mom possible or the actual chemical changes that take place during pregnancy, but there have been some pretty drastic changes in my overall emotional state. I am still on my meds to keep balanced, but I don't have those awful times like I used to. Yeah I still have bad days and hard days, but overall it's such an amazing change. Life seems manageable and my excitement for the future has grown out of that.

I honestly believe that Wyatt saved my life in a way. He has given me direction and peace of mind that I have been searching so hard for. He's given me love too. Seeing his smile at the end of the day is my absolute favorite thing. His laugh, no matter how weird and kind of scary it may be right now, lights up my life. I know we are going to have a good life and I owe it to him.

Sings "I'm so excited!"

2010-05-23T12:45:00.000-05:00

That I am! My blog group is growing and now includes a guy!

I know right, he's in for some interesting times with all us crazy girls. He better be prepared for some goofy topics. :)

But really, I am in fact excited for this project and I hope it's something we can keep up for a long time. It would be so nice to have something extracurricular in my busy life of being a mom and working way too much.

Our first post is "due" Wednesday and I'm jumping out of my skin to see what all my friends have to say!

The Beginning

2010-05-21T16:55:00.000-05:00

I made a decision today.

Sounds very official and exciting doesn't it. :)

My decision was to start a blog group. I was inspired by a friend who along with her knitting group is posting weekly blogs about a common topic. It was too good to not steal. I have been wanting to make myself write more often anyway, and this way I get to keep up with my friends and get to know some of them better!

Clearly I am excited about the project. So I hope whoever decides to follow along or take part gets as much from it as I hope to.